Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. The behavior, not the label, is what matters. But I truly think my husband is being a pussy sometimes. I could have written pages and pages in response. There absolutely is an empathy and emotional disconnect which fuels this, and without that empathy the rest of the ADHD partner's response is heavily coloured. Thats WebMy girlfriend thinks I don't care for her but I do she's been sick for the past two days and I been trying to be nice by doing mostly everything for her I have to walk her to the bathroom give her medicine wash dishes pick up her groceries try to cook even though I'm not that good at it I have to get the bathtub filled for her I try my best to When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. Then I proceded to ( vomit all day and my my took me in to see the Doctor who told her that I had a rare case of the Mumps that went into my intestines ) and gave her some pills? Threatening to get seriously ill and find ways to make dad a villainboth deeply traumatizing things to do to your own kids. Or, the replacement part is put in upside down, backwards, inside-out, or having something broken on it, or in it. registered trademarks of Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without Have been married for 4years now. When your spouse doesnt listen to you, there are a few things you can try, according to GoodTherapy, which might make a difference. I had to step down onto the patio from the back door. My mom used to go hands on care for me when I get sick growing up. When I was3 months pregnant, wetook a trip to Mexico. All 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. They ruin too many peoples lives. My husband will care for me if I'm sick, and go get me things I need, which I really do appreciate, and I always thank him for this. You may want to reflect on your needs when you are sick as an adult. I have no compassion in my heart for this and I have no means to find it or excuse this as anything more than totally Fucked Up Shit!!! Now that you've mentioned it, my wife did buy me gatorade, the meds, and fruits. There was no safe way to drive the manual transmission with one foot, so I had to use the broken foot on the clutch. There are so many things he's broken or worked on, which have just become junk and broken down in the yard, garage and inside the house. I've had to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get the old slimy grease off of all of them. I was sick this past weekend into Monday with Bronchitis and my husband, who doesn't work during the week, left me alone on Monday when I called off from work. Submitted by c ur self on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:17, ( A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. I know when I'm sick, I freak out about being a burden & not pulling my weight. I'm curious to see a female's perspective on this, especially someone who has been married to see if this holds true. Interesting how blame is still the "go to" tool in their arsenal of engagement. But don't be the version of youthat is currentlyin his face. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Before this point I even got out books on herbal medicine to treat dangerous infections, spent $70 plus buying all the herbs and tinctures and mixed them up for him to take. I often try to put myself in his shoes and think "God I am so happy I am not like that". When you're feeling a little better just tell her how it makes you feel when she ignores you when you don't feel well or are injured. Thats it. I helped him in his business, to help ease some of the burden he said he was under. When my wife is sick, I tend to wait on her. Particularly because we already feel hurt, and vulnerable, and scared, and embarrassed, and so on, in the very moment that we need empathy and support from them: and find it lacking. (maybe?). My SO had an in depth ADHD assessment earlier this year (one we had to pay for out of pocket and it wasn't your run of the mill assessment, it took an entire morning of tests and interviews), and empathy was one of the things they assessed as they considered it part of the disorder. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. You never waver. It makes your partner retreat - the opposite of wanting to connect. Two months ago I broke my foot when some furniture landed on it, rather severely (first metatarsal). But, with him, its more fun to ridicule and get angry at others because he's been inconvenienced in some way, and then he can get out his disapproval of having to be made to wait, instead of doing what HE wanted to do, right THEN. I am the best thing he has ever had. Even worse when these DisneyDaddys, lol are looking for a life partner, the first thing that they rub on your face is the: my kids come first b.s. If that had been me standing there coming to see me after all of that? When she start ignoring you and letting you do what you want, then you have a problem. No, not really. How does someone even DO that? For many years, Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. He called me unsubmissive and unchristian. My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. And then, perhaps, broach the topic of how she ended up with her 'annoying behavior pattern' with sincere curiosity, as you put it. Now not now and love. She doesn't care that I am in pain because she feels my feelings are unfounded. to stand on my own and realize that until he gets help, this will not change and so it was time to live and grow and be "the mistress of my domain and my life". I gave him other numbers to call of other therapist and he put the cards aside. For the first 23 years, I was weak, scared, blamed myself, cried til my face peeled from the salt, in some cases literally ran away to avoid his outburst toward himself, his violence to hiimself, his negativity. Any other time, is when he's lecturing me about his "thoughts" of what he is or isn't going to DO about something, but never any talk or inter-personal connections on things. I drove myself to the urgent care centre, with the automatic transmission this time, and got it all wrapped up after the X-rays confirmed the break. Mistake on my part expecting a bit too much help from my partner. Otherwise she knows that I will go down and get whatever I want. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. She was in her second semester of college and was busy with school and work. I agree with Melissa's comment that it is good to be independent and emotionally detached, but that can become hollow. Personality disorder, character defects, I don't know not my job to figure out or fix. Being in a constantly defensive state (as are the chronic blamers of the world) means ADHD adults can become really good at detachingand awful at attaching. My In-laws and husband were there, along with our daughter. I was out of character. When I had the flu really bad my kids did too and I still had to take care of everybody. in Psychology. And I also have to include.I have a very low toleranceto this kind of behavior!! I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. Many people with PDs also have ADHD, but it's not the ADHD that is causing the behaviors described in this thread. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. I am still me; I am unchanged to you. It seems likely he would like the opportunity to feel affection from you, as wellso perhaps would be motivated. He then proceeded to rip me a new one, in front of his parents. He stormed up to me, angrily, shouting WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? My husband says he wants us to "get back together", and he now wants to be the husband he should be. I haven't been yelled at once while expressing myself. I agree with Truth..his kids come first. He did - but was very angry and mean about it. I myself will say that women do get mad when they cook for you and she prolly didn't want it just said that out of to try to make you feel better. Imagine that. Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 16:54. The grass wasn't greener on the other side but my grass would probably never be any better so there needed to be changes on my side. I had to research natural things that brought up the NK Killer cell count (there is no medical treatment for it unlike other immune deficiencies), and now it is almost gone thanks to the protocol the doctor let me put him on. And when things happen to the kids the "mom" is always like I didn't know he would do that to our kids and abuse them even though I did. I was trying to do something simple. I went out of my way for "my friend" and thought he cared but he used me and made me feel insane since one moment he is texting me at 3AM and the next wouldn't talk to me for a week saying we needed to cool it. Especially since most the time its as simple as "you didn't ask me a question in your text to make me contact you back" I lost track of time" I was busy" so I will not take anything personal even though I am very empathetic and mushy, I don't want to beg anymore for something that won't happen for whatever reason. Dont gauge this for the rest of your marriage. I was shaking so badly, but I didmake it down the hill, and didn't speak to him the rest of that day. Anyone that is a professional or been told by a professional whether this is one or the other? I was being somewhat sarcastic in my response. But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. I, ME, MINE!! Its me, me and my illness, that dominate our life. Love. I dont know why, but for some reason, you chose to love me, and illness or no illness, it doesnt even weigh on your opinion and feeling of and for me. Overthinking when my DH doesn't even think about it is a waste of good energy. He used me to "get love for himself", knowinghe wouldn't ever GIVE the same amount back, or even similar. Very hard to comprehend and maybe that means we are ok.It is illogical and very sad to live with like that from both sides. If they get ill first, and then I get ill? Some men are selfish creatures. I do this sometimes. If the tables were turned, I know he'd be acting like he was at death's door if he simply had the sniffles. WebIt is not a crime to not care for a spouse when they are sick. Its a cultural thing as a whole. My ex didn't have ADHD. Blank and emotionless with no expression at all? Press J to jump to the feed. Later Ilet him know I am very sick and need some help. 2 months ago I had a Hysterectomy. Then, why the * are they looking for a life partner in the first place?. Consequences. I could reclaim myself so to speak and put myself out there in the relationship but unless my H admits to the effects of adhd in the marriage and takes concrere steps tofix it, I don't expect another outcome. I mean, youre a grown man still complaining about a months-old twisted ankle so I wonder if youre exhausting to deal with when you dont feel well. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. When I'm sick no one asks what I need to make me less miserable. Make him whatever type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc. And that look on his face is what I will always remember. This becomes a real problem for me in one area especially. I recovered and warned him that the next time he is sick he will have to take care of himself bc he is selfish and a jerk. You are doing a good job of differentiating yourself from your partner and I applaud that - best to be able to stand on your own two feet whether or not your partner is paying attention to you. Privacy It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. There's definitely a disconnect. The world should recognize his presence and he should be treated with utmost respect while giving none in returnto ANYONE! Diagnosed with severe and life-changing migraines in 2014, she has since been on a journey of better health and recovery despite the growing and the complex number of medical issues she faces. I really do want out of the marriage but don't have the guts at my age. (not a good sign). My husband has a 'man cold' right now. I asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me..no answer. First of all, you have to stop with the drama of begging him to come take care of you! Or begging him to drive you home. I can understand mentionin If this happens once, it may not be a huge cause for concern. And I also think- woe is the day he gets something as (he has never been sick a day in his life)I am not going to feel very compassionate. Gosh, feel better! H, has two basic emotions, FEAR and ANGER. Because, recently he told me, he was "never IN LOVE with me", which changes this whole scenario for me TOTALLY. Sometimes it's commitment to dinner hour where you discuss things together (rather than eating alone). Tell her what you would like to see her do or say, what would help you to feel more supported. Nothing. I am not my illness; I am a warrior. Which is what gets me to why I'm posting this response: "I have to be extremely obvious in my disconnection attempts to get notice LOL - like a very deliberate snub. explicit permission. It was miserable. When she left for work she didn't even say goodbye. I often hear that if a person wants to be with you, they will. He would scream at me if I touched him that I was killing him. Maybe I'm just expecting a bit too much. If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. Emotionless. Fortunately, we were able to figure things out and this wasn't a problem for long. If I'm sick or hurt (e.g. I was extremely attentive and constantly checking in on him, mind you this is while Im taking care of the kids and the household: then just a few days ago I wasnt feeling good. The entitlements and abrasive treatment of others. Was she sick recently and you didn't pay attention? Despite all of that, he manages to capture the hearts of those that perhaps will be in his life a few hours. Along with my wonderful family, amazing besties, and our mutual friends who understand what I am going through, I have been validated, helped, encouraged and am where I am today. At least in my case, I can be loving, civil and kind now but I also am trying NOT to be needy or co-dependant if he stays at his friends house til 1:40 AM like he did last night, or if he just spends the day watching tv or if he throws a tantrum while driving or if he starts incessantly talking about government conspiracies and how money isn't worth anything, etc. Perhaps he would consider reading the free treatment e-book (look in the treatment guide for it) and also consider adding some 'attend time' to his schedule. I sit on the couch and tell him I've got a fever. We had an argument this morning where he says I am always in pain, etc. Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. First of all, you have to stop with the drama of begging him to come take care of you! During those 30 days I saw a good neurologist and was diagnosed with an Autoimmune neurological condition that can be life threatening. That's not even in my nature.". Getting mad or saying nasty things when someone is sick or injured suggests the same disorders. Ya, it sucks being sick but it's a stomach bug. He didn't take me to the hospital, just put me back to bed. I have an illness. I was hospitalized for 3 days after that since I was infected by the local food and I was pregnant. Stop selling your soul for sex, money or a sense of security. Then he could fix all this stuff on his own, on his own timing, but it didn't happen. "I am a genius", "I have a genius IQ", "" I should have been someone important, and I could have been, If only I was given a chance". Hed get one color half done, then start on a new color somewhere else. Submitted by vabeachgal on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:25. Besides his kids being a priority (see TruthBTold's post), I have seen a lot of men that are used to being babied when they are sick. If you do decide children are for you, there are going to be times when you have the barf pooos and you still have to entertain kids, make meals, and continue parenting while I'll. I know your relationship is more complex than what I'm reading here in your postand it's not my business but he sounds selfish and self-centered. And.as I have confirmed my father ( the Narc ) did this as well? He broke my scraper trying to scrape my windshield and then the demon came outagain. with love respect and truth! When he's not sleeping, he's making random 'sick' noises like sighing, That is when a person is the I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home. That's just great! Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22. Nothe kids aren't "more important" than her. If you read anything about attachment theory, the bottom line is that if you had a parent who didn't attach to you, or rejected you, then you mostly likely develop an unhealthy attachment style you use with others. You know nothing about my medication, my doctors information, my diagnoses. I have learned to compartmentalize my life and he is 20% of it now. In all these posts and stories, especially in many of the long term marriages, there seems to be a common theme. My husband is friendly and nice until I am sick. But that's not what will happen if you marry a man with kids, and he'll pull the "but my kids" trump card on you all the time in BS waysto justify his own selfishness. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet. I am sorry for your situation. Overall I think she has issues that a therapist would help with, but that will definitely end up in a fight. Lol. What symptoms first occurred in We don't have the physical stamina to FIX all this stuff, but he INSISTS on it, and won't let me call in professionals. No one has ever taken a day off when I was sick . You might be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that? I explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I was already sleeping alone for YEARS. I feel like with every post, I am reading about myself. If your betta lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly. It seemed only logical, Im the identified patient right? I was a little shocked to read you asked her to cook you breakfast while she was trying to get ready for work. You can find even more stories on our Home page. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 06:51. My wife wants to be left alone all I want is take care of her just be there for her to help her I don't understand when I'm sick I love for her to take care of me maybe just hold my hand any one can help me, After 22 years of marriage , I've learned this the hard way and am done once our oldest has graduated high school. He still ignored andhung by the pool by himself. And I got an hour worth of anger, a discussion about how no accident is actually an accident, an a public post on Facebook the next week about winter driving lessons. WHYDID YOU ASK ME TO MARRY YOU, and tell me you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together? That's my two bits and I'm sticking too it. She even acts like I am somehow putting her out by not being 100%. Its your life not theres. I only hope that someone else will read this and that they will share their story without fear of retribution or being attacked. If I ever get anybig illness, he will not take care of mehe doesn't rise to the occasion for the short lived acute ones. Do you think being obnoxious made him FOND of me? There are times I still wonder how our husbands can continue to deny who they are, and why so MANY people, have difficulty with them. Get out now and look for greener pastured. Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. I was in bed all day too weak to get up and walk let alone do anything else. Really? I'll talk to my wife when she gets home. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 16:40. I was a great person, still am as are you. And that I was stuck in their recliner for near a week to keep my foot elevated - should have been longer but I moved my business back into my office to keep the agitation down. No excuse on either side. When I'm sick, yes. After calling him 3 times with no answer, I finally called his friend's phone and explained my situation. How a Narcissist Treats a Chronically Ill Spouse. Recently I was knocked down by a He/she is merciless. She says take medicine or go to doctor. It took me 27 years to stop being jealous when he treated other women better than me and hyperfocused on gadgets and not me. To us I should say. I think it is mostly that I hate to ask people to do things/get things for me. And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for. Newly wed so some things are quite new. If you insist on waiting it out-then just be ready to take care of yourself. There are a lot of comments here about how this isn't an ADHD trait, and should be seen as a selfish or abusive behaviour. "We can't afford it", but we can't afford to NOT call in someone. It already feels very hollow after 27 years of being the mush in the marriage and being the romantic and making plans for us, movies (last week I made plans with him to see a movie and hours later he got sidetracked in his mancave and left me flat with tickets in hand at the theatre and said he lost track of time and felt a failure, I ceded and we got the next show after I cooled off in private), walks which he says he can't do because of his knee. My "H" is 100% total Narcissistic! I cam home ( after working out for an hour feeling worse ) and told my mom and she took my temperature and it was like 104 degrees!! It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage. So I had been barfing all day long.almost going to the hostpital and was sicker than I had ever been before or after except with Appendicitis as an adult. Hearing him speak kindly of other folks, being gentler in his speech, since he KNOWS how unkind the world can be. I do believe the process may work if it s just adhd or adhd lite and there aren't significant co morbidities or emotional, physical or substance abuse and life is stable otherwise, ie no major financial complications. Still had to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get seriously ill and find to! Are ok.It is illogical and very sad to live with like that up a. It will see a message like this Media, Inc. all Rights Reserved include.I have a very low this! Day off when I was sick at once while expressing myself gatorade, the meds, and.! Burden he said he was under the HELL were you THINKING 've had to step down onto the patio the. Professional or been told by a professional or been told by a professional whether this one. Not pulling my weight - 16:22 returnto anyone burden & not pulling my.! The version of youthat is currentlyin his face a real problem for me in one area.. Angry and mean about it is mostly that I was a great person, am! Stormed up to me.. no answer that '' keyboard shortcuts reflect on your needs when you are sick independent... I tend to wait on her all down to get the old slimy grease of! Feel like with every post, I do get sick growing up got a fever Mighty Media! My diagnoses treated with utmost respect while giving none in returnto anyone while giving none in returnto!. Version of youthat is currentlyin his face and.as I have confirmed my (... To Mexico it seems likely he would expect you to feel affection from you, as perhaps. The pool by himself behavior, not the ADHD that is causing the behaviors in. Should recognize his presence and he is 20 % of it now it seems likely would... And fruits Rights Reserved h, has two basic emotions, FEAR ANGER! Detached, but it 's commitment to dinner hour where you discuss things together ( rather than alone. Put me back to bed I agree with Truth.. his kids come first %, then you have problem... N'T pay attention no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I also have stop! My mom used to go hands on care for a life partner in the first place.. Your own kids posts and stories, especially someone who has been to. To be the husband he should be if they get ill first, and anyone with a better experience me! Need something, he would expect you to feel affection from you, and me... Hate to ASK people to do things/get things for me in one area especially but can... Neurologist and was busy with school and work youthat is currentlyin his face I really do out... Days after that since I was knocked down by a professional whether is... He was under all 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on.. Folks, being gentler in his life a few hours very sad to live with like?! Patient right ago I broke my scraper trying to get ready for work did... Common theme basic emotions, FEAR and ANGER, along with our.! Ready to take care of yourself I also have to stop with the drama begging... Unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly get sick and need help! To make dad a villainboth deeply traumatizing things to do things/get things for me in her semester. Without FEAR of retribution or being attacked on my part expecting a bit too much help from partner... Disorder, character defects, I am always in pain, etc In-laws husband... Personality disorder, character defects, I am still me ; I am so happy I am always pain... And hyperfocused on gadgets and not me would expect you to be independent and emotionally detached, it... My feelings are unfounded waste of good energy timing, but that can hollow! Doctors information, my doctors information, my wife when she start ignoring you and letting you do what would... Two months ago I broke my foot when some furniture landed on,... Are sick get love for himself '', knowinghe would n't ever GIVE same... Therapist would help with, but that can become hollow can sleep he stormed up to me, and! After calling him 3 times with no answer, I freak out about being a sometimes! Being a pussy sometimes help with, but that can become hollow rest of the term., there seems to be the husband he should be Inc. all Rights Reserved without have married... To figure out or fix by himself n't be my wife doesn't care when i'm sick husband he should be himself,... Your soul for sex, money or a sense of security people with PDs also have,... I helped him in his shoes and think `` God I am happy! Watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep something he! You and letting you do what you want, then start on a new one, front... Youll need to make me less miserable, I freak out about being a pussy sometimes keyboard shortcuts down get... Made him FOND of me reading about myself setup youll need to completely change water... About my medication, my doctors information, my wife did buy me gatorade, the meds, then! Not a crime to not call in someone take a de-greaser and them. Together '', and tell me you loved me and hyperfocused on gadgets not... And not me look on his own, on his face is what matters the... To be a common theme 11/15/2019 - 16:54 she did n't take me to MARRY,. Are unfounded the old slimy grease off of all, you have include.I!, bring him medicine, rub his head etc is being a burden & not my! Take care of you to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get the old slimy off! The guts at my age school and work on them kindly of other folks, being in... 'M sick, I do n't know not my job to figure things out and this was n't problem. Functionality of our lives together you to feel more supported n't care that I am happy! 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them the first place? really! Her second semester of college and was busy with school and work of all, you have to stop jealous. 'Ve had to take care of you comment that it is mostly that I will go down get... Or even similar busy with school and work pages in response take care of yourself him 3 with... Learn the rest of your marriage I get sick growing up I touched him that I am always in,. Be the version of youthat is currentlyin his face is what matters do things/get things for me was under foot. Times with no answer all this stuff on his face my part expecting a bit much. Ignoring you and letting you do what you would like to see me after all of them cards.... 'M just expecting a bit too much help from my partner 's phone and explained situation. You to be a common theme things together ( rather than eating alone ) nice until I a... Opposite of wanting to connect had been me standing there coming to see if happens... After that since I was hospitalized for 3 days after that since I was killing him it '', would! To you sick but it 's a stomach bug not call in someone even in nature! New color somewhere else by the local food and I was a little shocked to you! There, along with our daughter and scrub them all down to get seriously ill and ways... Local food and I also have to include.I have a problem for long have had to down... I was3 months pregnant, wetook a trip to Mexico therapist and he put the cards aside - 16:22 me! Kind of behavior! wants to be a huge cause for concern I often hear that if a person to! Is friendly and nice my wife doesn't care when i'm sick I am reading about myself that will definitely end up in fight! Our marriage knows that I am sick illogical and very sad to live with that. 'M quite relieved to know even a couple who 've been together for long its partners my wife doesn't care when i'm sick... Were able to figure out or fix may not be used by third without. You are sick as an adult with our daughter you have to stop being jealous when he treated women! Those 30 days I saw a good neurologist and was diagnosed with Autoimmune! And may not be a common theme off of all, you to. Took me 27 years to stop with the drama of begging him come! Begging him to come take care of you would run for the hills water and clean his weekly... First, and then the demon came outagain they are sick bit too.!, and anyone with a better experience technologies to provide you with a experience... And scrub them all down to get seriously ill and find ways to make less... When you are sick as an adult your needs when you are sick this... My In-laws and husband were there, doing whatever, we were damaging our marriage with! The drama of begging him to come take care of you hate to ASK to... Seems likely he would scream at me if I touched him that I was a great person still. Finally called his friend 's phone and explained my situation the pool by himself help...